Monday, February 16, 2015

The Curious Case of Roger Ebert

     We've been learning about Roger Ebert in G+T 2, and there is a lot to be learned (and asked) about his life.  Prior to his surgery that removed his jaw and ability to speak, he was a world-renowned film critic.  Following the surgery, he spent the remainder of his time writing a blog with very insightful and thought-provoking topics ranging from loneliness, the universe, and death.  No doubt he suffered following the surgery, but in his blogs, he seems very content.  I don't get him.  He was in a position and had the mentality that would cause constant torment (not being able to speak and pondering death and the concept of eternity on a daily basis), yet he proliferated during this time.  In terms of the "sink or swim" moment (or as I prefer to say the breaking point), I don't think he ever reached it.  Then again, I don't have nearly enough information about his life to draw a finite conclusion.  Still, from what I've been exposed to, there was never anything that bad about his life to cause him to break.
     For instance, he mentions in his post "All the Lonely People" that the only time he ever felt alone was when he realized that if Chaz, his wife, or himself passes away during surgery, then he will be alone from his wife.  He discusses how scary that is for him, but this is the first time he ever feels like this.  I feel this on at least a weekly basis of being abandoned by friends, teachers, and family.  It has happened in the past, by people who promised they would always be there for me, but would abandon me after.  I have serious trust issues, and my despair and fear force me into situations to where I need to trust people.  That trust usually winds up getting broken.  I have been through times where I felt completely isolated, where the people I thought cared did not, where I couldn't go anywhere or to anyone for help, anyone for a companion.  I'm not asking anyone to try to "save" me, I just want a friend I can go to, to talk to, to hang out with, a companion.  But I'm not good enough for that.  No.  I'm different from everyone else.  I'm that freak in the distance watching everything.  This is only a mere fraction of what it feels like to be broken, and Ebert didn't even feel this.
     Ebert was lucky, and he knew he was lucky.  He never looked down on people, and he brought others together that did suffer more than him to air their grievances, connect, and find hope.  For this, I have immense respect for Roger Ebert.  Ebert was under a circumstance that could have broken him, but did not due to his own mind set, which is what makes him lucky.  He just used the situation to its fullest to proliferate in his blog, and he seemed to enjoy that.  Sure, the surgery was a falter in step, but he just kept going, and I don't fully understand that.  To me, to be broken is to realize how utterly pointless everything is and how everything you ever aspired for and did was a complete failure.  I don't think he hit that point, but I know others have, myself included.  It's when one is broken that the person either stays their or their entire existence adopts a purpose.  For me, it's to help others, make a difference.  I deserve every once of suffering that comes my way, but no one else does.  We live in a disgusting, cold, dark, and gritty world, and I want to change that.  I have nothing else to live for; so, I'll take on as much pain, despair, agony, and suffering there is in existence... because they can't break me again.

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